Also, if anyone has any good movie or tv show recommendations, send them my way! Because I need more things to watch. Really most types of movies will do, but I’ve been kind of in the mood for a really good artsy, drama, maybe subtitled type of movie lately. Like something that will make me sit here and really think about life and what it means, and maybe make me cry over existential matters. Also, another type I’ve been in the mood for - maybe some kind of political type thriller set in a different country, something in the vein of Blood Diamond or The Constant Gardener. Yeah, that’s what I REALLY want to see. Give me some good ones!
I should also probably rewatch I’ve Loved You So Long (don’t know the title in French) because that movie just hits me right in the gut, and Alex hasn’t seen it yet. And that is some top fucking notch acting from Kristin Scott Thomas. (Isn’t it all, though? I mean come. on.)
Other than that, Alex and I were super obsessed with Da Vinci’s Demons for a while, which is just the silliest show ever, and we turned into total fangirls while watching it. (RIARIOOOOOO I LOVE YOU.) And now we’ve been marathoning It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, which she’s also never seen and I felt really needed to.
Other things we plan to watch -
- Black Sails (sexy pirates)
- Orphan Black (I might wait until I’m back with Greg for that)
- The L Word? (Even though I’ve already seen it, I just think it would be fun to lesbian bond, and soap operas are great)
- Wilfred (Because I never did finish it, but Alex still thinks it might be too creepy)
- American Horror Story: Coven
- House of Cards (season 2)
- Game of Thrones (season 4)
- Veep (season 3)
- Marion (Also need to finish that, and I never have watched it in order.)
- Xena: Warrior Princess (Just more of it)
- A Fault in Our Stars (We’ve never read the book and don’t care to, and we’ll probably hate it, but goddamn it we want to know what all this fucking fuss is about, and we need to see it so we can form a solid opinion. If anyone has a good stream of it that’s like… not from a hand held camera filming a movie screen, that would be great. Because I can’t do those, they make me kind of motion sick and I just get annoyed.)
There’s probably more, but that’s what I remember at the moment. But yes, make this list longer!
My best friend keeps making jokes about how “Well, ever since God took your legs…” and they always make me laugh really hard, but also like… holy shit, I can’t really walk anymore. And I don’t know when I’ll ever be able to again.
I think I’m going to stop going to physical therapy. I’ve been doing it regularly 2 times a week for about 4 months, and I work HARD on my exercises everyday that I can. And yet there’s been NO progress whatsoever in those 4 months with me being able to bend my leg again. It’s still exactly the same as it’s been since the surgery. And the pain from the exercises has only gotten worse. I haven’t even been able to do them for a few days because of the pain from it. Even my PT doesn’t think I should come anymore, because she says that she doesn’t think it’s doing any good. And my doctor says it’s pointless too, because basically my leg just didn’t heal right and is never going to, and my only other option is more surgery. And I can’t get that until I get to MO, and it’s going to be super hard to find someone willing to do a knee replacement, because even if you REALLY need one, for whatever reason no one wants to do it on a 22 year old, because “you’re too young”. How the HELL am I too “young” for a surgery I need?!
And then on top of all of that, I dislocated the surgery kneecap twice a couple of weeks ago, once again proving that the surgery didn’t work. And then I dislocated a rib on my left side, and ended up with a massive kidney infection that I was almost hospitalized for.
I’m just SO tired of all the pain. Honestly, in my darkest moments, sometimes I just wish that my legs were paralyzed. At least then I wouldn’t have all of the constant pain, because I just wouldn’t feel anything. And the pain is starting to really drive me insane.
But hopefully my mom can scrape together some money for me this weekend to get a cane, which would be really nice and would allow me to possibly move around a little more. I just can’t do crutches, they cause too much pain on my ribs. And wheelchairs are really expensive, and my house is not in anyway wheelchair friendly, so I’m sort of really confined to my chair in the living room still. Which brings me to -
In good news, I’ve gotten a lot of money towards my PS4! Which is really great, because video games are literally one of the only things I’m capable of right now and are pretty much what keeps me sane. (Well that and my wonderful, amazing, perfect girlfriend Alex.) AND one of my awesome new friends sent me a copy of GTA:V in the mail as a surprise present! And I’m currently playing Watch_Dogs, which is just fucking AMAZING. I can’t get over it, I’m just so obsessed. I don’t care what anyone says, it’s fucking perfect and I love everything about it. If anyone wants to talk Watch_Dogs with me, please do! I can’t get over it.
Oh, and here’s a link to my fundraiser if anyone is interested (probably not, and don’t think I’m pushing it. There are bigger, more important things to give money to for sure, but just in case, here it is!)
I love how little some of my friends understand actual poverty and disability. Like, I posted that GoFundMe thing which was really hard for me to do, because I hate asking for financial help from people. But my girlfriend and a few other friends convinced me to do it, and were all “dude, it couldn’t hurt, you never know”. And I know it’s a silly thing, because there are WAY more important things to ask for money for than a stupid gaming system, but if you know me at all, you know how basically shitty my life is, and how little I have going for me. Video games are weirdly important to me, especially considering my current circumstances where I don’t know when I’ll be able to walk normally again. As it is I’ve completely lost my ability to walk again in the last few days, because this weekend I dislocated my kneecap twice. So my entire leg is swollen to twice its size, and my knee and foot have turned purple. And I have permanent nerve damage in my knee, so I can’t feel the skin at all in certain spots, but what it really affects is my foot, since the nerve that was damaged runs down to there. So my foot is basically completely numb, yet has a constant, intense burning, and is always swollen and purple. (My toes look like snausages.) And there’s this strange cut on my knee that’s been there for over a month that just won’t heal, and it’s actually starting to hurt really badly. And now I have to put off my knee replacement until after I move, which really sucks, and it’s going to be EXTREMELY difficult to even pack with the condition I’m in. And getting the knee replacement means putting off the surgery to have my pituitary gland removed, which is scary, because I never know when my acromegaly is going to get worse.
And very few people seem to understand how hard and what a big deal losing my house and all of these medical problems are. Like, a couple of weeks after my surgery, a friend texted me asking if I wanted to hang out. I said sure, but she has to come over to my house, because I can’t walk. And she was like “Um, well I’d really rather you came over here… I have a little bit of a sore throat, and it would just be way easier if you came to my house.” I reminded her that I’d just had surgery and couldn’t walk at all, like I literally couldn’t even get up to go to the bathroom, and she literally said “well SORRY that I’m not being “sympathetic” enough, but I’m having a really hard time with this strep throat too.” That was the first time she’d even talked to me in months. She never wished me well with the surgery, never called me after to see how I was doing, nothing. And then when I told my friends about the house, most of them were like “oh, that sucks. oh well.” One even just got excited and was like “OH AWESOME! I’LL GET TO SEE YOU IN KC! THIS IS SO GREAT!” No, it’s fucking not “great”.
And then I post that GoFundMe last night, and mostly I got great messages from friends saying that they either wish they could give me something, or that they will on their next paycheck, and that they wish me well and are sorry that I’m dealing with all of this. And one friend already gave me $20, which is fucking awesome. But then of course there were all of the comments of “Why don’t you just get a job?” and “You can just work an internet job from home”, and “You just don’t have enough self control to handle a job”. I’m just so fucking tired of all of the abelism in my life, it’s literally driving me insane. I just wish people could understand that it doesn’t work that way, life isn’t that easy for some of us. Not all of us have bodies that work, and not all of us have well off parents we can just call to ask to pay our rent.
I found out today that we lost our house. I’m officially moving.
My mother fixed the foreclosure problems, and my grandmother paid off our debt to the bank. The problem is that the refinancing company wouldn’t refinance our house. Our house payment is $1200 a month. My mom makes $1400 a month. I’m still waiting on my disability to kick in, so I have zero income. The company said that we “don’t make enough” to get a lower house payment. I don’t understand. Why does America hate its poor so much? They don’t want people out of poverty at all. They like having impoverished people.
My uncle cosigned on our house with my mom when she bought it. Today he texted her and it just said “your house is going up for sale, the realtor is coming tomorrow at 11.” We knew NOTHING about this before today. He decided for us, no discussion, nothing. And he wouldn’t even answer the phone when my mother called, he just texted her back and said to talk to my grandmother for information. He knows what he did is wrong and he won’t even own up to it like a fucking adult. He thinks he’s the fucking patriarch of the family and that he can make decisions for everyone, even though my mother is fucking 52 years old. She’s a goddamn adult, and yeah, maybe she’s fucked up a little here and there, but she’s made it this far, and she’d NEVER do something like that.
My grandmother said that our only choice is to move in with her in Fort Worth, Texas. There’s no fucking way in the world I’m fucking moving to Texas. I don’t know a soul there besides her and my uncle, and there’s NO way I’m talking to my uncle right now. I don’t have a way to meet people either, what with the fact that I’m can’t work, go to school, or have a car to even leave the house with, and she lives in a subdivision in the suburbs, so there’s no where to walk to and no public transportation. I will literally be spending all day everyday completely alone in Grammy’s house with just here, and my mom in the evenings. And I love my grandmother to death, but I cannot live with her. She can be very cruel and critical, she’s actually really a lot like Lucille Bluth. So she’s hysterically fun in small doses, but NOT a woman you can live with for any period. She’s the kind of person who will spend hundreds of dollars on a new wardrobe for you, but it’s really because “You need to start learning to dress like a decent person instead of a pile of trash.”
It’s too expensive to stay here in Missoula. The cost of a 2 bedroom house for rent will be about the same as our house payment. We can’t stay. And my mom doesn’t want to, which is understandable. This is her chance to get out, and she’s wanted to for quite a while.
So I convinced my mom that the better option is Kansas City, MO. We’re going to try our damn hardest to make it work. My mom is going to start looking for a job now, and she said the second she gets a job we’re going to head there, stay with friends, and then worry about renting a house. And houses there are CHEAP. I’m talking like $500 for a 3 bedroom. And my best friend Greg might live with us too.
I’m scared. I’m truly, truly scared for what will happen. And the sadness is so overwhelming that I am barely conscious. Sometimes it feels like my life is a series of terrible events. Everything good that happens is so fleeting and temporary, but everything terrible always feels so permanent. I honestly don’t know how I’m still here after everything. But I am, which means that I’ll still make it. I always make it. I have to, there’s no other choice. So in the meantime I’ll just keep looking at houses in KC online and listening to Another Suitcase in Another Hall from Evita on repeat.
Sometimes I’m so confused and fascinated as to why people downvote the things they do on Reddit. Like, today on r/assassinscreed there was a thread about in game outfits where people were saying their favorites, and I said that mine was the shark hunter outfit from Black Flag and the cobalt outfit from Revelations, and that I liked the Revelations scarf a lot, and I got a ton of downvotes for it and now my comment sits at -10 and is hidden. What that says to me is that there are at least 10 people out there in the world that take Assassin’s Creed SO seriously that they are offended by my liking an outfit that they didn’t, or that my favorite outfit wasn’t the same as theirs.
Reddit psychology is interesting.
I hate to be such a Debbie Downer lately, but sometimes I honestly wonder how much shit I’m going to have to deal with in my life before things really become good and stable and decent. And this is going to be really rambly and long and probably not make much sense, but I have to let it out:
So I got a notice on the door today. Apparently they’re officially foreclosing on my me and my mom’s house, and it’s going on auction to the public on July 7th. I’m so fucking furious about this, for several reasons. So my mom stopped making house payments last August, because we couldn’t afford to anymore. Fair enough, except that knew it was coming for a long time, but she waited until 2 months after payments were stopped being made to apply to refinance the house. Why? She doesn’t have an answer for that. And I didn’t know most of this was happening while it was going on, because she never tells me anything anymore, even though we’re always supposed to be 100% honest about everything with each other. So I start noticing around late December letters threatening to start foreclosure, and I confront her about it. We then both decided together that she would call my grandmother to ask to borrow money to catch us up and continue making the payments, because my grandmother has a lot of money and has always been willing to help us out no problem and expects nothing in return, because she knows about our situation with me unable to work and waiting on disability and understands, and she’s just a generally awesome person. Well I asked about it a few times over the last few months, and my mom always assured me that she’d called my grandmother and it was “taken care of”.
Well obviously it wasn’t.
So I confronted my mom about it today. Well, as it turns out, she never even called my grandmother, and my grandmother knows absolutely nothing about the situation. (She’s going to be fucking furious when she finds out btw, not at our lack of money, but at the fact that my mom didn’t call her like last August when this first started.) First my mom kept trying to shift it over to me with bizarre things like “Well you still haven’t gotten your disability payments yet!” Yes, I know, and that’s because I have to wait on the government, there’s nothing I can do to speed it up. “Well maybe we’d have more money if you didn’t leave so many lights on all the time!” Nope, pretty sure that won’t get us the like, $10,000 we owe the bank. Lights aren’t that pricey. Also, stop trying to put this on me, I had literally NOTHING to do with it. Then she gave a bunch of reasons why she never called my grandmother that included “It’s hard to ask for money from your mother when you’re in your 50’s”, “I was waiting on your settlement check from the lawsuit” (a lawsuit I’ve been in for over 5 years, she fucking knew she couldn’t rely on that money), “I was just waiting for something to change”, and the best, “I was hoping for a miracle”. Well mom, you’re 52, don’t you think that’s a little old to be “waiting on miracles”? Because I think I’m too old for that, and I’m only 22. Shit, I was born too old for that. She also said that she “didn’t think they’d actually go through with it”. They’re a fucking national bank, what, do you think you’re fucking special? That a bank won’t foreclose on your house when you didn’t make a payment for 9 months because they think you’re tops? This is the fucking real world, mom, and I thought you fucking understood it by now.
Literally all she had to do was make a phone call. A single goddamn phone call to my grandmother to ask for the money, which she would have handed over no problem at all and never expected to be paid back. But no, she couldn’t do that. And now we’re here.
Fortunately I have two friends who are in the banking and mortgage business, and they’ve given me a lot of advice that I’ve passed over to my mother. Now I just have to hope to fucking god she listens and starts making calls tomorrow. I really hate having to rely on her 100% for this, but there is literally absolutely nothing at all I can do. Nothing. I have to put all of my faith in her now, and that’s really fucking hard, because I have literally never been this let down in my entire life, and that’s REALLY saying something, because I had a complete shithead of a father who never did a damn thing for me. But I knew I could never rely on him, but I always thought I could on my mother. Yeah, she can be a real bitch sometimes, but she’s always been there for me in the end, and she’s always gotten shit done. She’s NEVER done something like this, something so fucking irresponsible in her or my entire life. I just can’t believe it. I’ve lost so much faith, trust, and respect for her, I don’t even know what to do with myself.
So now at this point I have to hope she actually fucking follows through, and then that the bank gives a second chance, which they don’t have to do. And it’s a national bank, not a local one, so there’s going to be even less leniency. I’ve never been so scared and worried in my entire life. I can’t lose the house. I can’t. I don’t know what we’ll do if we lose it. I’m still in shitty physical health, I can barely bend my right knee, can’t bend over, and can’t stand for more than like, 5 minutes at a time, so I literally couldn’t even physically pack my things. So how would we even move out if we had to? Where will we go? Will we even stay in Missoula, or will we have to go live with my grandmother or something? I want to move out of Missoula eventually, but not yet. I’m not ready yet. I can’t leave my friends, and I especially can’t leave my girlfriend.
I really, really can’t handle all of this right now. I feel like my whole life is crumbling and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. And the one person that has been there for me my entire life and I thought would always be there has let me down more than I ever thought was possible. Where do I go from here?
I’ve never felt more lost, alone, and afraid in my entire life.
So through some stupid facebook stalking tonight that I should’ve known better than to do, I found out that my rapist has a girlfriend. And I don’t really know why this enrages me so much, but it does. And I really, really want to send her a message being like “get out, he’s a bad person, he’s raped 2 people that we know of and is still roaming around” but I won’t because despite how I may come across sometimes, I’m not actually a crazy person.
But also like, holy shit I’m fucking furious right now and I can’t even put into words why. Somebody tell me that I’m not crazy for being so mad about this.
jpkitty said: Did you mean to reply to this? You just posted what I said :P
Well I don’t know what the hell happened there? Yes, I did, haha, I wrote out a reply and clicked post and everything.
But I was saying thanks, and I’ll be taking you up on that one day! I probably won’t be back to MO anytime too soon because of money, which really sucks because I’m homesick for there and humidity and old friends and trees with leaves that aren’t pine trees. But I’m hoping to move to KC in about a year with my girlfriend, so we’ll see how that does! But as always, you’re of course welcome here anytime as well. I promise my mom isn’t mean to guests, just me when we’re alone haha.
jpkitty said: If you need to get away for a while, you’re welcome in Columbia.
I don’t know what I’ve been doing wrong, but my mom has just been SO mean to me lately. Like today she came home from work, I asked her how her day was, and she basically responded with “Well, I fucking hate you, this house, this town, and living with you, so that’s about it.” Holy shit, what did I even do?! But it’s been like this almost everyday since my surgery. And she always pretends she never said these things, so we can never talk about it. Like a couple of weeks ago she said “You’re so fucked up and mentally ill that you should have never even been allowed in society. You should be locked up in a mental hospital for the rest of your life.” And after she said that, I literally had nonstop panic attacks for the rest of the night and then serious nightmares. That probably happened because, oh, I don’t know, when I was 16 my mom actually locked me up in a mental hospital that was so abusive I ended up with PTSD that still affects me? Yeah, that’s probably why I don’t appreciate having things like that said to me, especially from her.
Edit: Oh great, now she’s weirdly trying to backtrack and pretend that she didn’t say or mean what she said. She was all “I DON’T HATE YOU AND THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT, I JUST HATE THINGS ABOUT YOU AND ALL OF THE YELLING IN THIS HOUSE!!!” “Ok, then why are you yelling at me right now?” “I’M NOT YELLING! THIS IS WHAT I HATE ABOUT YOU, YOUR’E ALWAYS PROJECTING YOURSELF ON TO EVERYONE ELSE BECAUSE YOU’RE A MENTALLY ILL NARCISSIST! MAYBE THINK ABOUT YOUR DOGS ONCE IN A WHILE!!!!!!!”
Great, the mental illness comments are back. There’s nothing like being blamed for having something you can’t control and having your mom even add other mental illnesses that you don’t have onto you. I’m not a narcissist, I have bipolar disorder. And that’s not even something that has anything to do with you yelling at me right now, I’m literally just sitting on my computer surfing the web and you’re screaming at me. I’m pretty sure MY mental illness has nothing to do with this situation. I’m also pretty sure the dogs don’t either, and I wasn’t aware that I didn’t care about them considering that I’m the only one that tries to train the puppy and spends time with it and you just lock it outside all day everyday, and then blame me for you doing that.F
But then again, I guess I should’ve probably realized by now that in my mom’s world every single thing that has ever gone wrong in her life is my fault, and I should be on my knees everyday thanking her for bringing me into this world and doing like… things that mothers are just obviously supposed to do and not really be thanked forever for, like making sure you live through childhood and shit. I mean she literally said a couple of weeks ago that I should thank her everyday for not getting rid of me while I was growing up or kicking me out on the streets when my disability hit and I had to move home for health reasons, because according to her, “Any other mother in the world would’ve gotten rid of your worthless ass and just replaced you with someone who actually contributes to society.”
I don’t even know what’s happened to her lately. All of this shit is so new, she used to be the greatest mom and tell me that she loved me everyday and like, would just be generally awesome and stuff. But something’s changed in the past few months. Now whenever I tell her I love her, she says shit like “yeah, you should”, and never says it back. Last night I asked for a goodnight hug and she said “What are you, 5? Just let me fucking go to bed in peace.” I just wish I knew what was going on and what I suddenly did wrong.